A woman suffering from PMDD has her eyes closed feeling exhausted

Mindstorm

 

Verb: to be in a state of mind that impairs one’s ability to think with clarity and reason

That split second between just about able to control your reaction to an emotion and losing all sanity is a desperate place. It may last for just a microsecond, but feels like an eternity. Knowing that giving in to the demon means a complete loss of self, but also by not doing so allows it to destroy another little part of you. The scariest part is not knowing what you will do by giving into the mindstorm. You feel it bubbling in the very centre of your brain; a thousand thoughts sparking at the same time like a roll of thunder over a valley, and then it comes.

You scream.

You destroy anything within your reach.

You fall to the floor and smash your fists onto the concrete.

You kick the doors, the walls, the table.

It hurts but you cannot stop. The mindstorm has begun; it feels as though your brain is firing so fast you cannot keep up. It is confusing and terrifying. You just about manage to not physically assault anyone standing close to you, and instead choose to hit out at yourself. The noise is deafening but it is only when your throat starts to hurt do you realise the sound is coming from you.

The panic sets in as the storm rages out of control like a wildfire in your brain, and then the tears start to roll as you realise you are at the mercy of your own mind. You know you could stop it by just sitting down and taking a slow breath, but you don’t, and that is the nature of the mindstorm.

And just as quickly as it arrived, your mind suddenly slows to a complete stop and you vegetate in the middle of the room. You may sink to the floor or slump on a chair. The mist clears and the damage from the mindstorm is all around and you realise it has happened again.